Collection Agencies

All right, who out there likes Collection Agencies? If you do, raise your hand!

For those of you who raised your hands, I have a few things to say:

I can’t see your hands from here, so why did you do it?

You must have something ticking wrong in that head of yours to admit that you like Collection Agencies, but this is proven by #1 anyway.

If you are friends with someone that works for a Collection Agency, or have a relative that does, I’ll forgive you this once, and you can ignore #2, but not #1.

Come on people, I’ve never known anyone as rude as a worker for a Collection Agency. I swear this rudeness of theirs must be taught. There is no way it was born in them! (That is unless you breed Roseanne and Woody Allen. Caution: Imagining the last phrase could be hazardous to your health, and if you have done so, do not operate heavy machinery, ever again.)

So, it must be taught! And I think I found the proof the other day. I went to the local Books-a-Million and I actually found a section that was titled: “Collection Agency Training Materials”. Here are a few examples of the books I found there:

• “How to Pull the Heart Out of the Borrower (And what to do with it afterwards)”
• “1001 Ways to Rip Hope from Your Victim”
• “The 12 Step Program to Becoming Meaner than a Drill Sergeant”

And that was only 3 of the many books on torture, hate, and any other evil thing you can think of, that were located in this section. As a matter of fact, not too far away was a book that was titled: “How to Beat the Bill Collectors”. I opened it up, and found it was actually “Bram Stoker’s Dracula” with a different cover.

Seriously, though, folks. These people are the meanest people I’ve ever spoke to on the phone. They’ve made people cry, and whine, and hide in fear. No one on this earth should treat another human being like that. No one! I understand they just want to get the money that is owed their clients, but, uh, they don’t have to go to the point they do.

“You don’t need food! You need to pay us! You should have thought about food before you maxed out your credit card! Go get a loan to pay us off! Drain your family of money! Sell your brain to science!”

(Preceding were statements I’ve ACTUALLY heard from a bill collector who called me once. I’m not trying to pull your leg on this one.)

I think we should gather every bill collector’s home phone number, wake up at 6 a.m., call them, scream into the phone, “You’ll get your money when I give it to you!”, and see how THEY like it!