Christmas in September (Part 1 of 2)
The air conditioner went out. Picks the three hottest days at this point to be out until the guys can come and fix it. Yay. Heat. I dare say I love it dearly. drips with sarcasm
So, we decided to go look for some window units. My daughter, wife, and I put our shoes on. We have those neat little rubber shoes with holes in them. I can’t remember what they’re called, but they have good arch support and work like sandals. This is good for me as my feet like to sweat a lot. Anyway, we load up into my best friend’s Cadillac because our van is not working very well and we’ve been borrowing his car. We borrowed his car for two reasons: 1. To not have to keep filling our van with power steering fluid. 2. For air conditioning because that’s also broke on our van. However, while borrowing it, his air conditioner stopped working also, so in 90 degree weather, we’re off to the stores. I love heat.
We pull up to Wal-Mart and practically run inside. However, my feet decided to sweat anyway, and for some reason feet don’t like to stay still on wet rubber. It’s quite slick. So, I’ll correct that, we STUMBLED inside of Wal-Mart. We head to the area where the fans and air conditioners are, and in their place, as determined by the marketing genius of the Wal-Mart corporation, are heaters. Little heaters. Big heaters. Skinny heaters. Heaters with remote controls. Heaters that use propane. Heaters that use electricity. If I was in the market for a heater, they’d have it. I ask someone where the air conditioners and fans are. “We don’t have any. But we have Christmas trees on sale.” I hope he was kidding. I love the heat.
We stumble back to the car, footprints of sweat trailing us, and head to Lowe’s. It’s only a block away. “They’ll have air conditioners. They’re Lowe’s. They’re big. They carry more of stuff like that.” At this point I’m wearing a shirt that is purely made of salt water molecules. It has transformed. I’ll call it my “ocean shirt.” So, we walk in and the air conditioner there creates an “iceberg shirt.” I’m now happy. I’m going to get an air conditioner. I walk to where the air conditioners are, and guess what I find? Heaters. Little ones. Big ones. Skinny ones. You know the drill. Of course, an aisle away are Christmas trees. I find someone and ask him where the air conditioners are. “We don’t have any. Want a tree?” I love heat.
So now, I sit at the computer in my renewed “ocean shirt” waiting for Thursday to come. That’s when the air conditioner guys come to fix ours. If they offer me a tree, I’m buying a rifle.
The Taxi Company in the Garage With the Microwave (Part 2 of 2)
No, that’s not an answer to some freaky version of Clue. It’s where I found an air conditioner.
See, after my escapade to Wal-Mart and Lowe’s yesterday, I swore my life as a cool human was over. Well, my life as a cool human is over depending on the definition of the word. But temperature wise, I was getting worried. Ok, so the weather was supposed to be colder come Thursday, and as a reader pointed out, that’s the same day the air conditioner guys are coming. But today, it became 90 degrees in my house.
90 degrees. Did I mention I love the heat? Parts of my house still are 90 degrees. But not where I’m sitting. See, a friend of mine told me to try Geno’s Taxi. I’ll repeat that: A friend of mine told me to try Geno’s Taxi. Now, not being from around here, I never thought to call a taxi company for an air conditioner. For a taxi maybe. Not an air conditioner. Well, they had one. A 6000 BTU air conditioner less than 26 inches wide that could fit in my storm window and provide a layer of coolness that the pet rock could never have provided. Even has a remote, which is nifty and all, but I doubt that sucker is going to be used at the moment as I want the air conditioner to stay on.
So right now I’m typing on my daughter’s laptop because it’s still 90 degrees in my bedroom where my computer is. But in here, with a blanket covering the archway, it’s about 75 degrees and dropping. There’s a fan behind me. I am in true bliss at this moment.
However, in about 5 minutes I’m going to have to go to the bathroom, and my daughter decided to use hot water when she took a shower earlier. If I don’t suffocate from the heat, I’ll see you guys tomorrow.
Moral of the story? When you need an air conditioner, don’t go to Wal-Mart who carries heaters in 90 degree weather. Go to your local taxi company. They are much smarter about such things.